Matrignosis: A Blog About Inner Wisdom

Think Pyschologically; Live Spiritually

Is Your God-Image Dysfunctional? August 14, 2012

Religious beliefs are so deeply personal and emotional that it’s taken me a very long time to be comfortable opening up about my own. Not wanting to offend or challenge anyone’s faith, I’ve preferred to focus on psychological issues. Yet, of all the topics I write about in this blog, my posts about religion seem to elicit the most interest and affirming comments.

I noticed this again at my first book-signing for “Healing the Sacred Divide” last weekend. Every time I looked up from reading a little story about a major awakening I experienced at the age of eleven, I saw people nodding and smiling in recognition. The story is about my parents advising me to tone down my show-offy behavior at a motel swimming pool lest I make the other children feel badly. There was a little girl out there who was having trouble keeping up with the rest of us, my father said.  I should notice, her, think about her feelings, try to include her and make her feel better about herself.

This was a crucial moment in my development.  Overcome with self-consciousness, I realized for the first time that people were not only watching, but critiquing me, possibly even feeling badly about themselves because of me. So I walked up to the little girl in the faded brown bathing suit and tentatively lied, “I like your bathing suit.” While she happily bounced away to jump off the diving board, I sat quietly in the nearest chair pondering my new knowledge. I was capable of hurting people without intending to, just by having fun and being me! Suddenly the world was filled with eyes, and I knew that all of them, including God’s were watching me.

After that I no longer associated God with the warm, happy feelings I experienced when I mastered new skills or explored the wonders of nature. God became a collection of ideas about the kind of behavior expected by an aloof, separate, powerful, all-seeing, overtly beneficent but secretly critical, gender-biased, judgmental King. If I worked very hard to please him by obeying his rules and making nice and attending church regularly I might receive his approval, protection, and salvation. If I didn’t, I’d be notified and punished. He called the shots and that’s how it was. That was fine with me. After all, he was the King of Heaven!

This is a childish, Santa Clausy image of God. Typical in the early stages of ego-development, it’s based on a child’s normal fears, vulnerability, and desire to please. My religious thinking changed considerably in the coming years, but beneath it the same childish emotional reality—the same unconscious needy attachment to the norms of my family—lived deep within me like an insecure orphan who’s afraid to leave the safety of her dark little attic room.

Instead of enabling me to let “this little light of mine” shine, as the song I learned at Vacation Bible School said I should, this God-image encouraged me to wear a rigid, carefully constructed mask that nearly smothered it. What saved it was learning that, as Ravi Ravindra wrote, “the struggle to know who I am…is the spiritual quest.” And that “To keep the flame of spiritual yearning alive is to be radically open to the present and to refuse to settle for comforting religious dogma, philosophic certainties, and social sanctions.”

The interest in my writing and talks about religious matters convinces me I haven’t been alone in my struggle to grow past this dysfunctional God-image. It’s been slow going, but self-knowledge is healing my long and painful separation from the Mystery. What’s your story?

Healing the Sacred Divide can be purchased at www.larsonpublications.com or at my Amazon Author’s Page.

 

8 Responses to “Is Your God-Image Dysfunctional?”

  1. Viv Says:

    I have been enjoying the book very much and was intending to email and tell you so. I have to go slow to be able to take in as much as I can.
    It’s a fabulous book.
    xx

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  2. Kate Says:

    Include another tinkle in your chimes… I sometimes wondered if it wasn’t a hindrance to have Christian parents, because of the inevitable mix of perceptions. Had to learn that my journey was all my own, and not my parents’ journey.

    Also, the perception that we can do unwitting harm to others (thoughtless acts of unkindness that can still make me blush decades later) was something necessary to learn.

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    • jeanraffa Says:

      Hi Kate,
      Yes, waking up from the care-free state of childhood innocence when it’s “all about me” is a necessary lesson of childhood. Otherwise cute little savages turn into not-so-cute big savages: i.e. sociopaths who have no sense of the significance of others!! Self-consciousness is the price we pay for acquiring a conscience.

      What took me so long to realize, though, was that conforming isn’t part of that price. “Had to learn that my journey was all my own, and not my parents’ journey” as you put it so well. Until we realize that, we’re just going through the actions, performing in a play someone else wrote instead of living our own lives.

      Jeanie

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  3. Ann Kennedy Says:

    I think about how free i would be if the watchful eyes in my mind’s eye would transform into gratefulness. “How fortunate it is that i can see you and you me”

    If I allow the other side of the exchange between me and the other, perhaps I can accept that it may not be critical. I give myself a chance to feel the natural power and recognition flowing just beneath my pre-conceived well-trained notions. I really fall short and miss the mark when i believe someone else’s truth is right for me. Great insight in this blog and I don’t give up easily anymore. Maturity is helping.

    If Sin is missing the mark, then I shall “Go Forth and Sin No More”, My New God Image Believes this..today.

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    • jeanraffa Says:

      Thank you, Ann. You make an excellent point about how the focus of a mature inner observer is on gratefulness, not fear or self-criticism. I, too, fall short when I assume my truths are less true or valuable than those of someone who disagrees with me. I’m still struggling with my inner Spiritual Bully, but getting better at recognizing and dis-arming his dysfunctional thinking. Jeanie

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  4. mrsdaffodil Says:

    Great photo of you reading from your book. Wish I could have been there.

    Like


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