Matrignosis: A Blog About Inner Wisdom

Think Pyschologically; Live Spiritually

Falling Through: One Man’s Fear of Feeling February 22, 2013

(Note:  In keeping with my latest theme of the wounded masculine, I’m pleased to share this piece by guest blogger, Rick Belden. Rick is an author and a poet who has struggled to get in touch with his feelings throughout his adult life. As you’ll see in this post, he’s learned how to use his creative imagination to heal the wounds of his childhood. Below,  I’ve included comments that were made to his original post. Please feel free to add your own. Rick and I will gladly respond. Enjoy. Jeanie)

Today’s poem on video, “falling through”, is from my upcoming book Scapegoat’s Cross: Poems about Finding and Reclaiming the Lost Man Within.

The subject of today’s poem is grief, or more to the point, my fear of feeling and expressing my grief. Actually, fear is much too mild a word for what I feel when I get close to my grief, sadness, and pain. A far more accurate word would be terror.

The source of this terror is not a mystery. I clearly remember the words I heard countless times as a child: Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about. This was not an idle threat, as I had the great misfortune to discover many times when I was unable to “control myself” in time to avoid the consequences of my own tears. Crying only brought more pain. Tears only meant more tears. Any open expression of grief, sadness, and pain was a potential threat to my very existence, and over time I learned to hold those feelings tight, deep inside myself, to survive.

This conditioning against explicit expressions of grief and sadness didn’t end with home and family. It continued in school, with teachers and coaches, on the playground, and with friends. Like every other boy, I knew that crying was the worst sin I could commit in public. On those few occasions when I was unable to avoid doing it, the shame, the isolation, and the horror I felt were beyond words.

By the time I was into my teens, I pretty much had the crying thing well under control. It just didn’t happen anymore, not around others and not when I was alone either. But I still had one more defining experience ahead of me.

When I was almost 23, I was going through a very long and difficult breakup with my first girlfriend. We’d moved across the country together when I was 19, from New York to Texas, and lived together for several years, but now we were each living in our own places for the first time, and I was finding it very difficult.

One evening she came over to visit, and as we were talking, I began to cry. I’d never cried in front of her before, not even when she’d cheated on me, but this time I simply couldn’t help myself. I missed her, I was struggling with school and finances, and I was just so damn lonely. Her response was immediate: “If you don’t stop crying, I’m leaving.” The last thing I wanted in that moment was to be left all alone, so I buttoned right up. And I stayed buttoned up for years afterward.

Those were the lessons I learned about feeling and expressing grief and sadness. I learned that crying brings pain, punishment, violence, shame, rejection, isolation, and abandonment. I learned that crying only makes things worse. I learned to fear my own grief. I learned that tears can be like death.

Many years of hard personal work have shown me that allowing myself to feel and express my sadness and grief is a healthy and necessary part of being fully human. It is liberating. It’s completely natural. It’s cleansing. It brings peace and perspective. It is a source of great strength, an answer and an antidote to anger, and a door to forgiveness.

I’ve cried, wept, sobbed, moaned, and howled through tears many, many times, and it hasn’t killed me yet. To the contrary, I always feel much better, much freer, and much more present with myself afterward. And yet that deep conditioning I described still holds some sway over me. I’m still afraid to cry.

Sometimes that fear stops me and sometimes it doesn’t. As expressed in today’s poem, the key to accessing my grief and sadness, to moving it up and out, is always right here with me in my body. The challenge is to feel the energy below the surface and let it rise even as I am feeling my fear. Maybe someday my tears can come without having to struggle through all that fear. That is my hope.

For more poetry on video, visit my YouTube channel at http://www.youtube.com/user/rickbeldenpoet.

Rick Belden is the author of Iron Man Family Outing: Poems about Transition into a More Conscious Manhood. His book is widely used in the United States and internationally by therapists, counselors, and men’s groups as an aid in the exploration of masculine psychology and men’s issues, and as a resource for men who grew up in dysfunctional, abusive, or neglectful family systems. His second book, Scapegoat’s Cross: Poems about Finding and Reclaiming the Lost Man Within, is currently awaiting publication. He lives in Austin, Texas.

More information, including excerpts from Rick’s books, is available at his website. His first book, “Iron Man Family Outing,” is available here.

Creative Commons License The Poetry on video: “falling through” by Rick Belden, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

(Jeanie again:  You know how I love synchronicities! As I was scheduling this post I received an e-mail with a link to another dialogue about gender.  Do you think someone’s trying to tell us something?  Check it out here: http://beyondawakeningseries.com/blog/terry-patten/farrel2-12b/)

6 thoughts on “Poetry on video: “falling through””

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention poetry, dreams, and the body » Blog Archive » Poetry on video: “falling through” — Topsy.com
  2. Rick, you are a very brave man and you I’m sure you touch the lives of countless souls. You offer men the chance to be in reality and speak the truth about life and humanity. What a great gift to give!

    It’s people like you that make a difference and change the world. I am a mother of two  young boys and what I wish for them most is to grow up as authentic beings, using all the emotional gifts we have as humans, and fully experience life, love, loss, etc… As a therapist I witness daily adults struggling to recapture their true nature that was taken away in childhood, and overcome the fear, anger and suffering that was left.

    I hope your work brings you good fortune!

  3. Ellen: Wow. Thank you. I really appreciate your comment. I’ll freely confess that I don’t feel all that brave a lot of the time, but I do my best to persevere, not only for my own sake, but the sake of others: those who’ve been hurt in similar ways, those close to them, and those like your boys who are coming along behind us. I want a better world for everyone and I believe it is within our potential to have it, if enough of us are willing to work through our own dark corners.

    Still waiting on that good fortune. I’m ready for a big dose of it, and soon!

    Patricia: As always, I appreciate your encouragement and support. Thank you. I still have a few more vids queued up and ready to post. I’ll probably make some more of them at some point. There are certainly lots of poems left. Might try some other types of material as well.

  4. Once again your poetry has touched my heart and soul. Rick with your clear, strong & beautiful voice you express the deepest emotions and experience many of us share. As an advocate for men & boys you shine, as a friend and support for us all you stand tall. Thank you. @sheepfoldcarer.

    • Wow, Kath, thank you very much. I like this one a lot myself for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that it’s one of my better examples of writing from the body: tuning in, following the physical sensations, and letting the images and words come through. This is one of the purest forms of expression I know.

 

Working On A Dream About Individuation: Part III September 9, 2011

I’d like to begin by saying a huge thank-you to Joseph, Jerry and Jane (what’s with all the J’s?) for their comments (Jane’s came via e-mail) about Dream #4337.  Their thoughtful associations were enormously helpful as I pondered this dream.

Dreams express things essentially unknown to the ego. Most believe, however, that they are primarily about emotions, which are charges of energy that influence our thoughts and behavior. Sometimes they create so much anxiety that stopping to reflect on what we are feeling before responding does not come easily to us. We find it far easier to either ignore them or act immediately, often with disastrous consequences. Emotional awareness is the stairway between the archaic being at the deeper levels of our psyche and higher consciousness, and dreamwork builds this stairway.

Dream #4337 (see previous two posts) is like a 3-act play.  Act I takes place in a social setting. Emotion is introduced by the thirsty woman who wants to fill her plastic cup with water. The energy of her wanting compels her to leave the collective and set out on a solitary journey. As Jerry noted, this seems to express discomfort with aspects of my positioning in society which are too plastic and unfulfilling to quench my thirst for personal meaning and self-knowledge — i.e. individuation.

Act II introduces Ms X (as Jane calls this shadow of mine) with her warning of potential danger. The meeting of these two streams of emotional energy sets up a conflict: Thirsty Woman’s determination vs. Ms X’s fear. Joseph sees Ms X as one so involved in her work that she has stopped along the way. Jane, too, sees her as one who has made it over the first railing but then stopped: perhaps because she got tired or frightened. Because she’s in my dream, there is a part of me like her. One association I have for the waking-life Ms X is that she resists facing her shadow emotions and appears to rechannel their energy into hard work. Whereas 22 years of dreamwork have emboldened me to face my shadow, I obviously still have some sublimated, unredeemed fear.

In Act III my thirsty woman dream ego experiences three new emotions: receptivity to Ms X’s fears, willingness to stop and examine the road ahead, and conscious concern for her safety. I had no idea what this had to do with my waking life until I read Jerry’s question about my involvement with social media: “Could this dream be addressing the issues that go with these instruments of social communication?” This brought a huge “Aha!” My shadow has an important message for me and my ego is listening.

Two weeks before this dream a few communications on Twitter shook me up and stopped me in my tracks. As Jerry suggested, “The use of these media devices can become [so] ego influenced it threatens the fabric of someone like yourself who is ‘spiritual to the bone’. It can be a great outlet for expression but when dealing with the release of emotions {by others} there is always a danger. I sense the dream is focused on these issues. I also sense from the last part of the dream [the bathroom as a place of elimination, cleansing and refreshment] it is something you can control. There will always be challenges to the spiritual self when participating in a world full [of] ego.” Bingo!

And so the question remains: Shall I continue in this direction? Jerry’s words could be mine: “…the answer is yes. It is just too great a way to ‘get out the message’, to share what we have learned so others discover a path to wholeness.” But I’ll be listening to my shadow and watching the way ahead.

 

 
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